Failing Forward: the first days of Mountain Guide School

I could hardly contain myself as I stepped onto the plane to Alaska to begin my two year journey that is the Mountain Guide School. I hadn't slept more than a couple hours each of the nights preceding. I thought this day would never come. I had been training, collecting required gear (even some that was virtually impossible to track down (damn silvretta 500's)), and dreaming of how the next two years of my life would be like participating in the Mountain Training School's two year mountain guide school. Since getting accepted in May of 2012, I had just over a year to get my self into shape physically and mentally for what I was anticipating to be some of the hardest experiences I have ever encountered or ever will!

Did I prepare enough? No. Could I have done more? Yes. but am I proud of getting this far and doing my best given the circumstances? Definitely! Maybe its just me and my perfectionism, in thinking I could have done more or been more efficient with my time. But I DO know that the past is the past and it will never come back around. We can only go forward! Whether we fail or succeed, the only way is forward. Don't ever give up on your dreams, in fact, don't only have dreams, but make those dreams goals. Dreams remain unattainable things in the sky. Set them as goals and work towards them! Even if they seem impossible at the time, there are always steps to take to move forward towards your goals! You most often cannot just jump forward straight to the end goal with out many many many steps in between. I can't climb a mountain in a single jump, but one step at a time!

ok, I'm getting a bit preachy...

I arrived in Alaska, stayed at a local hostel and started to meet some of the other classmates...this was becoming a reality! There are a total of 5 of us, 2 from Australia, and 3 of us from the United States. A small group compared to the maximum allowance of 8 for the school. The night before we got picked up for the beginning of our two year journey we 5, collectively known as GS8 or Guide School 8, went and had a big steak dinner with plenty of beers and plenty of things to talk about! We closed the restaurant down!

July 1st. the day we all had been anticipating for days, weeks, months.....years! We had begun! We 5 had all come from different backgrounds, had different expectations, and overall hadn't the slightest idea what the hell we had gotten ourselves into! The first few days were pretty mellow; filled with classes about the school, what to expect, learning about food packing, navigation, gear checks, and the certification process we would be working through these next two years, among many other topics. We were stoked to say the least!

July 5th. We drove a couple hours to the trailhead for our backpacking module with full packs, eager attitudes, and smiles on our faces! We arrived at what we learned was known to Alaskans as the Talkeetna Traverse. We set off on our first course as a preparation course for our other, more rigorous, and lengthy expeditions to come. The scenery was to die for! I couldn't take enough pictures! The pace, unexpectedly, was pretty quick at first, but slowed once we figured out that we wouldn't be able to keep up that pace once we got off the trail we started on. Soon on the second day we were off the track and finding our way via map and compass. The instructors let us fail. Some failed worse than others at route finding and navigating, but we all were there to learn this necessary skill so we all had a chance to lead, route find, fail, and then succeed!

The first section was slated for 7 days. We did it in 6 before we arrived at a remote air strip (actually looked nothing like an airstrip) on a gravel bar below a glacier with braids of grey water flowing in and around it where we would get a food and fuel resupply for the next 10 day section. On day three I started to feel pain. Pain in my left knee...it wasn't too bad to start, but the next day came with more pain and slowing pace. WHY!?!?! I had trained, I had prepared, I was careful and methodical with my steps. Why was this pain occurring? I couldn't figure it out. The intructors couldn't figure it out. We tried wrapping it, we tried heating it, we tried anti-inflammatories...nothing...but more pain...I was walking around like I had my knee blown up by an explosion...I got slower and slower.

My mind raced...what happened? What if I couldn't finish the course...my FIRST course!!?? If I had to get air lifted out, would I be done for the rest of the 2 years? would I wash out only 5 days into this journey? Questions, doubts, pain....

We arrived at our resupply drop point with a day to spare, a day of rest before I had to make a decision. A critical decision that brought me to tears numerous times to even think about making. Had this dream, this goal, this life been all for nothing? I was angry, I was frustrated, I was confused. I talked to the other guys in the course, I talked to the instructors about my options...

I took the day of rest seriously. Staying off my knee, keeping it elevated, taking anti-inflammatory drugs, heating it, and trying to will it back to health. No such luck. I was faced with the choice of completing the last 10 days on a progressively failing knee with searing pain, or to fly out with the pilot coming to drop our resupply....I toiled over this decision...I am not a quitter and by no means was I going to admit defeat this early on...or ever! But it ultimately came down to this: if I fly out now I can have an extra week to heal as to preserve my body for the more grueling courses to come. It was a gamble, a big gamble. I knew I had the will power to push on through the rest of the course...of that I have no doubt. But at what cost was my stubbornness? I'm 32 years old and have lived a bunch of experiences but I still have a lot of life still to live. Do I want to ruin the chances of continuing on the more important courses, or even continuing using my knee all together because my pride wanted to keep going?

I made the decision to fly out the next day. A decision I do not regret. 10 years earlier my pride would have bested me and I would have gone on, foolishly and possibly injuring myself permanently for a lifetime. In one of the last emails I received from my mom before starting this course, she said that she hoped that I made wise decisions that I would be proud of. I am training to be a mountain guide and if I let my pride get in the way of making the right choice of turning back from a summit bid or something similar, it could easily mean permanent injury or worse....death. Not only for me but for my clients or students. Wise choices are what makes a good guide. I want to be the best guide I can possibly be and that starts with making wise choices.

We all have choices and the right to choose one way or the other. Sometimes we make the wrong choices and we fail, but those choices lead us to make better choices the next time and the time after that. Sure, I want desperately to be out with the rest of my class tromping through the wilds of the Alaskan backcountry, but I made the right decision and am proud to have done so!

Make wise choices that you will be proud of!